How to Win Five Big Battles You Will Have With Your Kids
Is your teenager sweet and compliant, or does he constantly question what you tell him to do? Do you win the everyday battles against your toddler, or do you finally “give up and give in?”
According to experts, a parent who wins all battles is rare. Equally unusual is a child of any age who never questions her parents’ authority.
“Although we mostly hear about teenage fireworks, conflict is especially common in the early years of parenting,” says Scott Brown, author of “How to Negotiate with Kids.” He notes that 65% of our interactions with toddlers involve conflict. This percentage goes down during the elementary years, but rises again when adolescence begins.
So how should you handle these constant challenges? Following is a list of the five most common battles parents have with their children, with suggestions from various experts on how to win each of them. These battles include issues over bedtime, homework, clothing, food and chores.
Bedtime battles are common because most active children do not want to end a busy day. In their minds, bedtime does just that.
To combat this, parents should teach that bedtime is a positive experience, a time to relax and get comfortable, according to Sal Severe, PhD and author of “How to Behave So Your Children Will Too!” He adds that “bedtime should never be used as a punishment” but instead parents should have a positive bedtime routine: “bath, snack, story, hug and kiss.”
Severe also says that parents should get to the bottom of why the child is procrastinating about bedtime. For example, bedtime fears would be handled differently than power and control issues. For these, he suggests to “consistently put the child in timeouts, check with him in five minute segments, and eventually he’ll get tired of being alone and go to bed.”
Maybe your child is arguing about bedtime because she really isn’t tired. However, you need a break! In this case, Brown suggests that “you let them read, sing, listen to music, or talk in bed as long as they don’t disturb you.” He adds that “as your children grow older, they realize that they know more than you if they are tired. There is nothing wrong with older children changing their bedtime according to how they feel.”
There are some parents lucky enough to have children who love school and do homework without any problems. However, for many children from elementary to high school level, homework assignments can create constant battles.
How do you win these homework battles?
According to Larry Koenig, PhD and author of “Smart Discipline,” it’s important to establish a clear time and a place for homework, and insist that children complete homework on their own. “A good rule of thumb is to set homework time as early as possible, while allowing for a break after school.” says Koenig. He suggests having children participate in determining the time, so that they will more willingly comply. He also suggests postponing all other activities, such as phone calls and television, until homework time is over.
Koenig believes that it’s also important to have a set place for homework which is conducive to learning. “Ideally, it will be a place where your children can work private, without distraction,” he states.
Last but not least, it is vital that homework be completed by the child and not the parent. Parents can occasionally check homework and answer questions, but many tend to actually do the homework themselves. According to Koenig, this is sending the message that “you don’t have what it takes to be successful in school without my help.” Students who hear this message usually become or remain mediocre.
Clothing has always been a battle for those in the pre-teen and teenage years, but often these conflicts start when a child is very young. Some toddlers willingly wear what their parents lay out for them, while others will argue about clothes from the time they start talking.
Experts agree that children of all ages who want to choose their own clothing are usually trying to gain independence and control. In addition, sometimes a child has strong preferences, wants to be his own person, make a statement with his clothing, and/or fit in with friends.
“It’s important to carefully choose your clothing battles,” says Jean Andrews, PhD, psychologist from Detroit. “It’s a battle worth fighting if you feel that the clothing your child wants to wear violates decency standards you have set.”
It’s vital to explain modesty to your children, as well as any other reasons you have for setting certain clothing standards. “Just to say ‘because I said so’ will cause a child to rebel, and they will change clothes as soon as they’re down the street,” she theorizes.
Fitting in with friends is important to children. For example, right now, it’s considered cool for area girls to wear funky baggy pajama bottoms to school. “Is it really going to matter to your child’s future if let them wear these pajama bottoms?” Andrews wonders. She suggests giving choices to younger children each day, and involving all children on shopping trips so they can help choose outfits that are mutually acceptable.
Food battles are common during childhood. It is estimated that about half of all children are considered by their parents to be picky eaters.
“Don’t let your child’s eating habits induce a power struggle,” implore Jerry Wyckoff, PhD and Barbara Unell, authors of “Getting Your Child From No to Yes.” “Forcing a child to eat after he’s had enough can lead to overeating and obesity.” They suggest not threatening or using guilt at the table, “as that will increase their anger and defiance.” Instead, encourage your child to try new foods, or be creative by hiding fruits and vegetables in certain recipes.
As soon as children are old enough, involve them in the planning, shopping and cooking. Teach them about the food groups, the minimum daily requirements and how to read food labels. Then, let them make some of their own choices. After all, adults have food preferences and dislikes, so why shouldn’t children? What if you were forced to eat some of your children’s favorite food on a constant basis?
However, there has to be limits on how much you will accommodate your children’s finicky tastes. “The last thing you want to do is become a short order cook” jokes Andrews. “Many parents will compromise by asking their child to sample what the adults are eating. If they don't like it, allow them a simple healthy alternative such as cereal or yogurt.”
Most parents struggle with how to teach children responsibility. In this age of modern conveniences and housekeeping services, many young adults leave home without ever learning how to keep house or make meals.
Experts agree that it’s important to start teaching children how to help while they are small. For example, even toddlers are capable of picking up toys or bringing plates to the sink.
“The problem is that many parents take the easy way out and clean up the messes themselves,” says Andrews. “It’s important to take the extra time to teach them while they’re young.”
Severe believes that it’s vital for parents to give positive feedback to children who have done chores, and to communicate their expectations through simple checklists, which teach children accountability. “As children grow older, they want more privileges…and parents should link more responsibilities with privileges,” he opines.
Adults must also model appropriate attitudes about work, and not complain or procrastinate. In addition, they should accept lack of perfection when children are learning chores.
After all, concludes Severe, “a good attitude is more important than a perfectly made bed.”
Return to blitzkriegpublishing.com home page